From an orthodox perspective Halachah is the primary guide in all matters. Since you posited your question on the condition that Halachah permits sexual play with female domination fantasies, I see no reason for disallowing such activity. However, you add the concern “ to work this out with my wife”. Your wife's total consent and comfort becomes a major issue in terms of Halachah and couple's therapy. If she is in anyway uncomfortable with this type of sexual play, this discomfort can lead to obstacles in your relationship r and would create in my opinion a Halachik concern. Nachmanidies (the Ramban), from the verse “and they shall be as one flesh” posits that the closest human relationship is (or should be) that between husband and wife. I would add that anything that gets in the way of that relationship including children and in-laws contradicts Torah Hashkafah (philosophy). Therefore, sexual play that is uncomfortable for one of the parties should be discouraged; but sexual play that enhances the relationship for both parties is acceptable.
Question: When my frum therapist advises me to carry out my fantasies of female domination, when my wife's therapist agrees, when our couple therapist advises me not to fight against my inclination but to work this out with my wife, when the halacha allows it, when my love for my wife thru domination has never been so high, what should be the attitude of a frum Jew? Is it better to be machmir and try to be like everybody else, or to listen to the therapists who know me and my wife? What would Jewish values say I should do? Thank you for your answer. Answer: Another questioner might dispute the characterization of these aspects of intimate behavior between a consenting husband and wife as objectionable. But another questioner is not struggling with the issues that this questioner is. My answer is intended to be both halakhic and therapeutic, and to speak to this questioner directly: As the questioner, being an observant Jew, almost certainly knows, the Torah commands us to care for our health zealously. All the medical professionals whom he has cited agree that the particular behavior he is resisting would, in his case, be supportive of his mental health. So why is he resisting the consensus of their advice? The answer is obvious. The questioner has also absorbed a sense of appropriate male and female roles, perhaps from Torah culture, perhaps from secular western society; but whatever the source, the questioner feels, intuitively, that such behavior would be morally objectionable. I write these words, to reassure the questioner that he may follow the therapists' advice without guilt. Let me remind the questioner of what Maimonides has written in the Hilkhot De'ot (Laws of Ethical Conduct) 2:1. "For those who suffer from bodily ailments, the bitter may seem sweet and the sweet may seem bitter." While others would disagree, let us stipulate that the questioner's desires represent an ailment, or at least a variation of normal that the questioner himself regards as an ailment. What his therapists are trying to tell him, translated into Torah terms, is that, for him (and with the willing participation of his wife), allowing these expressions of intimacy is simply the medicine that he requires. Medicine that is appropriate for a person dealing with a condition would be inappropriate for a person not dealing with that condition. Hence: As long as the questioner is in his current state of mind, he may-and what is more, he ought to-- engage in this form of allowable intimacy, of course, with his wife's consent. If a day should arrive when the questioner no longer desires that, it will signal that he has reached a different mental state, and at that point, he will naturally want to discontinue this behavior. One final point: the questioner does not know what happens in the privacy of other people's bedrooms. It goes beyond the evidence to say that, if he desists from acting out his intimate style, that he is being "like everybody else." Let the powerful rhetoric of Moshe Rabbenu be the last word: Ha-nistarot lashem elokenu, v'haniglot lanu. Let the hidden things be dealt with by G-d alone; for us and for out children the obligation is to deal only with those deeds that are revealed to people. (D'varim 29:28) Rabbi Michael Panitz Masorti/ Conservative 5 Adar II, 5744/ March 7, 2014