I find two distinct parts to your question:

 

 

Let me emphasize, that you are free. A father’s past actions or inactions do not change that. Regarding the fact that your father did not provide a husband for you: over the many centuries of our people’s existence, we have had different kinds of arrangements for marriage. In the Bible, the prospective bridegroom would negotiate with the father of the bride-to be, as is recounted in the famous story of Jacob and Laban (Genesis 29:18).But even in Talmudic times, our societal customs were changing.The Talmud records that the ketubah (marriage contract) went through several stages of development, and by the end of the process, the groom presented it, as a kind of promissory note, directly to the bride, rather than giving a sum of dowry money to the father, as had been the case in Biblical times. In the Middle Ages, both status and ceremony continued to change.The practice of “Shiddukhin” developed, as a parallel to, first, Roman legal usage, and later, to the medieval Christian practice of engagement (Z.W. Falk, Jewish Matrimonial Law in the Middle Ages, p. 88).In modern times, in most Jewish circles, as well as in western society in general, it has become the norm, rather than the exception, for adults to make their own decisions as to a marriage partner, rather than expecting their fathers (or their parents, generally) to select mates for them. It is possible that you have grown up in a Jewish sub-culture where arranged marriages are still common, but the essence of adulthood is taking responsibility for one’s own life.  At 44, a woman can lament what her father failed to do for her, but it is important not to be trapped in a sense of helplessness.

 

There is even a biblical allusion to the fact that over time, women are correct to take greater initiative in arranging for their own marriages.In Jeremiah 31:22, we hear the prophet’s assurance that G-d’s creation is not limited to one historic social order, in which the male courts the female; part of the interaction of the Divine with history is that women are empowered to court, actively.

 

With respect to the final part of your question, that, being a mother, you would not be able to present a future husband with a first born-son, let me reassure you that perfection is not always attainable, but that should not deter us from doing such good as we can accomplish, and from enjoying such blessings as we may legitimately seek. There are many wonderful options for us, even in this imperfect world. If you were to find a man who wanted to build a future with you, the many positives of that scenario far outweigh the fact that a first-born child to the two of you would not classify as the peter rechem to which your question alludes.Our history is replete with examples of people who married after one or both had previously brought children into the world, and each marriage affords a precious opportunity for righteous and spiritually noble living.So, you should not be deterred from pursuing possible good relationships because of the fact that you have already brought a child into the world.

 

Finally, let me address the emotions that seem to be behind the questions, with their multiple question marks. The pain of regret and the sense of despair at contemplating a life of constricted options is certainly a hard burden to carry.You may find relief in the course of obtaining counseling from a reputable psychological professional.Theologically, let me leave you with the following text from our Psalms:

          'Anani b’merchav ya-h (Psalms 117:5)

Which is commonly translated, “In distress I called on the LORD; the LORD answered me and brought me relief”, but which we may also render, “From a place of constriction I called upon G-d, Who answered me [and showed me] broad vistas.”Do not despair of the hope that your life, now seemingly impoverished in options, will yet reveal meaningful pathways.

 

 

Rabbi Michael Panitz

Masorti/ Conservative

October 29, 2013/25 Cheshvan, 5774